[Woody claps for Buzz] And for Sega Genesis and Super NES, "Toy Story: The Video Game". I simply wantto make my will. Let's move, move, move! [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, silent clips of "Aladdin" and "Aladdin 2" are shown]. Possibly a reprobate. ', Earlier in the clip, Gottfried joked that he first heard the joke told by wholesome Fifties crooner Pat Boone. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Oh! Waving a scythe, Edgar chases O'Malley up a ladder. Isn't she, Duchess? Now you closeyour eyesand crossyour heart. 4:04. You know Edgaris so fond of all of usand takesvery good care of us. O'Malley: Lay some skin on me,Scat Cat. Toulouse: I was havinga funny dream. Backtrack a little. A family walks in to Oh, it just isn't fair! 7:01. [ Yawns ] Come on, guys, let's go back to bed. Abigail:We're not chickens. Oh, no. Duchess: Now, Marie, darling,don't be frightened. WebIn the film, Gottfried said hed heard the joke called The Aristocrats, The Sophisticates, and Blood Shit and Come and Eating Each Other Out and Fistfucking a Dog but [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay[Humming]. Berlioz: I'm coming, Mama. Amelia: Oh, yes, I thinkwe'd better be going. Both of you, go ahead. Duchess: [Laughing]Oh, darling. For a walking tourof France. Have some. [Hiccupping]Look. I don't understand why he would say that. Rita Rudner: The people are abusing each other. The entire joke was a lampoon of the wealthy elite. Perhaps a magic carpet built for two? Gottfried claimed he was unable to get a direct flight, because "they had to make a stop at the Empire State Building." Georges Hautecourt:Adelaide,what's that music? And, Georges, we must be sure toprovide for their future little ones. Groove it, cat! I mean it's surprising they haven't that they're not all in jail! Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. All thoselittle kittens of yours, Duchess. Andy Richter: And the man says "The Aristocrats" [long pause] and did I mention that two of the men are probably Jews? "The Aristocrats Quotes." Hugo: [Spits the straw and feathers out of its mouth] Man! Which pets are knownto never show their claws? His name is O'Toole. O'Malley: Duchess. Startmentioning name, rodent. All aboard for Paris! Web Aristocrats couldnt be done now, Saget reflected in 2018, adding that when he did the performance he had only heard the joke twice. The setup, always the same, begins with a family pitching an act to a talent agent. I-l mean, eat--Eat well, of course. The talent agent goes, Hmm, thats an interesting act,' Gottfried says. Duchess: Oh, mademoiselles, thank you so muchfor helping Mr. O'Malley. The Aristocrats Joke!!! We chased four motorcarsand a bicycle and a scooter. O'Malley needs help! Billy Boss: So? Birds of a feathermust [ Hic ] together. Poor Madame. Hole in the left sole,it sounds like. He could have arms like Popeye. I've made the headlines." Oh, what a horrible,horrible human! Duchess: Over here, darling. Napoleon: No, no. Roquefort: Mm. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: That's right. They're in the trunk! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offscreen]Careful, Toulouse! All of a sudden the kid can't take it, diarrhea starts shooting out of his ass. [Snarling, Hissing, Spitting ]. O'Malley:Well, if you're applyingfor the job, well--. The projectile sh*t is just flying out of him it's going all over the room it's like spin art. There are descriptions of foreskin and Popeye-like forearms. [Laughing]. This-- Well, this mansion? Edgar Balthazar:[offscreen]Now, my little pesky pets. [ Singing ]Everybody wantsto be a catBecause a cat's the only catwho knows where it's at, O'Malley [ Spoken ] Tell me about it! Edgar Balthazar: Cats inherit first! It's like a hemorrhaging sh*t-ass. Aristocrats Joke Text. O'Malley: "Basted"? Haven'tyouforgotten something for Frou-Frou, darling? In its most-basic form, a family goes to see a talent agent, performs their actwhich is comprised of disgusting depravityand once they finish, Mr. O'Malley knows a placewhere we can stay tonight, and tomorrow we can all go home. We gotta split! We're on our way to Paris. Struck by lightning. O'Malley: Oh, thank you. Georges Hautecourt: Adelaide, my, my dear. You don't know whether to sh*t or puke in this room. Sarah Silverman: Joe Franklin loved The Aristocrats. [Reading]"Prime Country Goose a la Provencal. " He tears himself free and forces the door open and falls over backwards. Berlioz [offscreen] I wish we were homewith Madame right now. [baby begins to cry] Yeah I didn't like it that much myself. Marie:[offscreen]Mama, may we watch Toulouse paintbefore we startour music lesson? Why, oh, why, is he allowing this to happen!" IT'S JUST, "HERE WE GO, FOLKS." I'll bet you're a real tigerin your neighborhood. Lafayette: Oh, cricket bugsdon't wear shoes, man. It really is muchtoo heavy for you, Madame. O'Malley: No trouble at all,little princess. It was a little oldcricket bug. Get-- Get washed downa storm drain. Amelia: It's scandalous. Wish me luck. Hop aboard the motorcycle. Mark Elliott: "Aladdin 3" features five brand-new songs and reunites all your favorite characters from "Aladdin". Peppo:Oh, we didn't mean-a to,to rough a-you, squeaky! Berlioz: Mama, do we have towaddle like they do? O'Malley: [Gasping]Alrighty, whatever. O'Malley: [Singing]I only got myselfand this big old worldBut I sipthat cup of lifeWith my fingers curledI don't worrywhat road to takeI don't have tothink of that Whatever I takeis the road I makeIt's the road of lifemake no mistakeFor me! Whoo-whoo! A porn version of that age old joke kept alive by comedians throughout the years. Aristocats are never found in alley [ Stammering ]D-D-Don't rush me. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:That's exactlywhat they are, Georges. Champagne,dancing the night away. Amelia: Now listen to this, I am Amelia Gabble,and this is my sister--. You know, this isthe low-rent district, remember? O'Malley:Over there! And that was my vacation. O'Malley: Hey, Scat Cat, dude! Toulouse:Yeah. The husband, he plays chess with Timmy - and then the maid comes in with strawberries and whipped cream, and they all eat a nice dessert. O'Malley: Of course not. Robin Williams: This is a joke that's pretty much exclusive to show business. Cheer up. Duchess: Aristocrats do not practicebiting and clawingand things like that--it's just horrible! Edgar Balthazar:Uh, allow me, Madame. Oh, my gracious! Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. Everyone can have nightmares sometimes. What happenedto your lovely tail feathers? I, me, after-- No. While Madame and Georges are asleep. IT'S JUST, "HERE WE GO, FOLKS." Abigail: And you, dear,you take this place. How are you doing that? Napoleon:Wait a minute. Marie: Thank you, Mr. O'Malley,for saving my life. Someday they're all goingto be yours, you sly old fox. Napoleon: Hush your mouth, you idiot. Duchess: Marie, darling. Duchess:Oh! The real joke is, it's not a Gilbert Gottfried: And then the talent agent says, "That's awful. Napoleon: And whoever it isis gonna get it and get it good. Where--And somebody stolemy bumber shoot! And when we get to Paris,I'll show you the time of your life. And those eyes of yours. Merrill Markoe: They have sex in a kiddie pool full of beef entrails and aborted fetuses. Cats:Everybody, everybodyEverybody wantsto be a cat, Berlioz: [ Sighing ]Everybody wantsto be a cat, Marie: Because a cat'sthe only catWho knowswhere it's at. Uncle Waldo: [Mumbling,Sighing &Hiccupping]. Millions. 17 [We cut to a pencil animation test of Genie turning into a construction worker]. No, it's less than that. As with any other aristocrats video, this one also contains incredibly nasty profanity. O'Malley: Keep your head up, Marie! This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the aristocrats. Hey, Lafayette. Toulouse: I'll bet we walkeda hundred miles. Scat Cat:What's a little swinger like youdoin' on our side oftown? Now think "goose.". Frou-Frou: I know. Buzz Lightyear: To infinity. There'sa surprise for you. Woody: This is the perfect time to panic! Shun Gon: Shanghai, Hong Kong, egg foo young[ Laughing ]Fortune cookiealways wrongThat a hot one! Will you hold on, please. [O'Malley pounces. And we were all ridingand bouncing along--. In all our days,in tender ways,her love for uswas shown. Then the father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head-first back into the mother's vagina, while the daughter's piss rains down on all of them. Why didnt he stop them the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants and saying, This is totally wrong. Say "cheese. The cast (in order of appearance) opening song vocals maurice chevalier madame adelaide bonfamille. O'Malley: How tough! Berlioz: [sighs] It's really hard to pronounce your name, man. Cassim: You don't stand a chance against the King of Thieves. Duchess: Well, darlings, l--I just don't know. Thieves! Mark Elliott: With the click of the mouse, you bring the story to life! You never miss. Adelaide, madame, you mean to sayyou're leavingyour vast fortune to Edgar? Edgar Balthazar: Oh, they won't find a clueto implicate me. I am really in a great deal of trouble. A family walks in to a talent. After the performance, the talent agent asks them just what the hell their act was supposed to be, to which they respond, "The Aristocrats!" Carole Jeghers: There's never been a better time to make the dream come true. [Snarling,Hissing]. (2x) Oh, Marie, are you all right? I've just gotto find them. "Moe, Larry, the cheese!" Roquefort:A-A-Alley cats!? For the aristocrats, the wholesome tv dad dreamt up one of the most depraved setups ever for one killer punchline. That'spretty corny, though, huh? [Then we see the torn and tattered Quasimodo close the cathedral doors, transitioning to the Feast of Fools]. The Edgar Balthazar: What the?! Thomas is, a dear friend of ours. Marie: But, mama, do wehave sparklingsapphire eyes that dazzle too? Duchess, it's wonderfulto have you all back. Andy Richter: And they eat the poop off the floor. Amelia: Of course, my dear. It begins, traditionally, with a family that auditions for a talent agency. Kyle?! Edgar Balthazar:Coming, Madame! Kittens! Duchess: Now, now, darlings. Brian Cummings: "Billy Bunny's Animal Songs". Napoleon: They're black--How would I know that? Are you all right? The 200 Greatest Singers of All Time You know it was the night of your grand premierethat we first met, remember? [Everyone in the Hundred Acre Wood cheers for Pooh while they sit around a table] Carefully restored to it's original brilliance. [The workers take the trunk and drive away. Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette In addition to detailing the history of the joke,. Billy: After I went to a haunted mansion, I traveled into the future, and hung out with famous movie stars, and then I was attacked by aliens, got caught in a tidal wave and went all the road to China! Now the mother lays down on her back on the floor while the daughter gets up high on a chair and starts pissing all over. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Just in time now! Mac:[offscreen]Yup, and she goesall the way to Timbuktu. Duchess: [offscreen] It's time to practiceyour scales and your arpeggios. Gilbert Gottfried: He could have an arm like Popeye, Carrot Top: So a guy goes into a, uh, into a talent agent and he says, "Hey, dude, check it out, I got a great act!" Amelia: Oh! (2x)[Coughing]Hey! She goes, "Well, my sister plays the cello. Duchess: Especially whenhe's marinated! [Smacking Lips]Delicious! dvdsuper1. Roquefort: Ahem! He's nothing but a cad. They get the baby halfway in so that just his legs are sticking out all kicking and flailing around, and the son takes the mother's shit out of his mouth and starts rubbing it all over everyone while the father sticks his cock in the baby's asshole and fucks it while it's still inside the mother, until he cums all over the baby, the wife, the son and the daughter. "Stuffed with chestnuts"? But first, introductions. Georges Hautecourt:Very well. I ain't done nothin'. ", T. Sean Shannon: "Well, you can't say that.". O'Malley jumps into the trunk]. Don't fuss over me. This family, mother, father, four kids. (onscreen)Five! We're on holiday. Toulouse, where are you? Huh. Edgar opens the door. [ Grunting ] Okay, Laffy, you're right, it's the end. Okay, baby. Marie: I'll show youif I'm a lady or not. Duchess:[offscreen]Berlioz, shh! We're geese. Duchess:[ Sighing ]I don't know what to say. Come on. Amelia! YeahAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catThat's rightAnd I'm very proud of that (Spoken)Yeah! On this Wikipedia the language links are at the top of the page across from the article title. Which pets know bestall the gentle social graces? I simplywish to have the cats inherit first. And don't worry. Kyle: [after Cartman finishes the joke] I don't get it. Clopin and Chorus: [singing] BellsofNotreDame! [Roquefort runs to the trunk and works on the combination lock. Toulouse: I'm a tough alley cat too. O'Malley: No, no. All aboard! Why, your eyes are like sapphires,sparkling so bright. John Leader: Now, that movie can be part of your family's collection of grand Disney animated classics. Let's hurry. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy sh*t-covered incest. They're back! Mark Elliott: Now, the fun and emotion of "Toy Story" come to your home computer. Marie: Come on, guys, lets all start meowing. The Aristocrats- Not Telling The Joke. We British liketo keep things proper. The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. That guy's dynamite. O'Malley:Yeah, honey. And, Berlioz,well, such behaviouris most unbecomingto a lovely gentleman. O'Malley: Look, baby, it's late, okay? Title of infamous joke without a punchline. Duchess: Thomas, Madamewill be so worried. 1 Mar. Duchess: Now, Berlioz. Lafayette [offscreen]I got him, I got him, I got him! Amelia: And by the way, when we get to Paris,you must meet Uncle Waldo. [chuckling] Just like you say, Thomas. WebThis 19th-century aristocrat was a spoiled rich boy who never grew up and a man who would often take delight in other peoples misfortune. He's got a very huge wiener. Edgar Balthazar:Duchess,wherever have you been? What a classyneighborhood. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, uh-- May Igive you a hand, sir? [The Walt Disney Masterpiece Collection logo appears]. Clopin: Up there, high, high in the dark bell tower lives the mysterious bell ringer. I got a million of 'em. Whoo-whoo! [offscreen]Gethim, get him, get him, get him! But we've got to hurry. Lafayette: [Chuckling nervously] Ow! And then the guy goes, "The Aristocrats." You are most fortunatewe happened along. Girls! We're almost home. You know. Now, now, my darlings. Thief #1: [sings] Have lots of grubs to share! They're gone! You guys wanna hear a funny joke my Grandpa told me? [Screaming]Nice doggy! Roquefort:Don't worry about me! They show aristocatic bearing. Rita Rudner: Where did these people find employment? A little lowerand faster there, buddy. [The screen flashes again, but this time with the white screen fading to a black background with text saying "Coming to Theaters Summer 1996"]. Duchess? Ooh. Get her! Scat Cat: Why, this is outrageous &crazy! I guess youcan't win 'em all. [Growling]. Scat Cat: [ Trumpet Blaring ][ Laughing ]Well, looky here. Frollo: [Turns Quasimodo to him] You don't know what it's like out there. Breakfast, a la carte. This joke typically has these elementsalternative versions may change this form. Alright? Duchess:[offscreen]His name is O'Malley. Amelia: No! In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. Kittens! In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the Napoleon: Wait a minute! [offscreen]Huh, and those kids. Napoleon:I got a feelin' this caseis gonna bust wide open. Girls. I lie on a chaise lounge, naked, reading sonnets from Shakespeare, and my third sister, she makes a painting very similar to Decroix's 'The Girl'." Marie: Mama,l guess I had a nightmareand fell out of bed. Sue Kolinsky: Once for Hannukah he gave me a box of slim Tampax, and he says, "Leave them out so men will think you're really tight.". Kittens, come along! [to Roquefort] Strike one. She loves us very much. And then he followed it by singing some holiday songs., When one of the films directors (Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza) ask him if he has any parting words, Gottfried says, I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important.. 2005. Oh, no. Abigail: You really did quite wellfor a beginner. Kittens? Now [Silent clips of "Aladdin 3" are shown, starting with Aladdin riding Magic Carpet, and Genie flying next to him as they enter Agrabah] Walt Disney Pictures invites you to a celebration. [Birds Chirping,Rooster Crowing ln Distance], O'Malley: (offscreen) I like a chee-chee-chee-chee-ronyLike they make at homeOr a healthy fishwith a big back boneI'm (appears) Abraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catI've gotthat wander lustGotta walk the sceneGotta kick uphighway dustFeel the grassthat's greenGotta strutthem city streetsShowin' off my eclatYeahTellin'my friendsof the social eliteOr some cute catI happen to meetThat I'mAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malley the alley cat. Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Home Video invites you back into the world where toys come to life. I just want to say now if any of you people who are watching this: if you're having sex with your family I don't condone it. Old picklepuss Edgar! Now what's the hang-up,your ladyship? Go on! I've got to do something quick! SMASH FLIX. I've heard the "joke." When you lift something it better be a cock. Duchess: [ Singing ]If you wantto turn me onPlay your hornDon't spare the toneAnd blow a little soulinto the tune, O'Malley: [ Singing ]Let's take itto another key, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Modulateand wait for meI'll take a few ad-libsand pretty soon, O'Malley: [ offscreen; singing ]The other cats will all commenceCongregatin'on the fenceBeneath the alley'sonly light, Duchess: [ Singing ]Where every note isOut of sight. Right? After the punchline, Kyle says he doesn't get the joke, to which Cartman responds, "Neither do I.". We know if you would let us perform it for you you would want to sign us." Oh, where am I? They're too cutesy."
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