Yet, while lamenting that they are not closer, he simply refuses to engage with her on these subjects. I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. Honestly, I think those first two sentences were the best point Wendy made. When I asked why she didn't say something to him then, she said that they only ever talk about college stuff and the moment never seems to be quite right. I didnt read an us vs. him vibe at all. He. Is there crap out there? She may come to appreciate some of her dads interests in time, but I hardly think forcing them down her throat is a good way to do that. My inner fan girl is all riled up now =). Things like going for ice cream. My husband is a HUGE Firefly fanboy. Maybe not, though. We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. You dont always have to act like a 12 year old girl in her presence. And we always managed to have fun and more than a few laughs. Haha! We all died laughing. Give up some of your precious one-on-one time with your daughter so that your husband can take her hiking or camping or to a science museum. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. My mom is super-duper awesome. I dont see the comparison between telling a small child about healthy eating habits and forcing them to eat veggies and this situation. Ya know what happens when Mom encourages the relationship and Dad continues to belittle the kid? It cant be. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. I think the dad most definitely needs to be happy with the daughter he has, and not spend so much energy trying to shame her into being the daughter he wants, So he should act like an adult and not take his frustration out on his daughter by telling her that her interests annoy him. I really think there might be a way for dad and daughter to meet in the middle here. The father is totally out of line with his dismissive and unloving ways, but so is the mother, big time. Is there a middle ground? So now our oldest daughter is 16 and . You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. I never did the gross stuff either. I dont care if they actually do or not, hes the adult and shes the kid here, so he needs to act like it. And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about! Its important to remember that it is not always your fault if your partner and child dont get along. Dad used people for his own good. Obsessed with dolls? He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. My parents eventually got divorced, and I actually think without that, I might not have such a good relationship with my father (who I am much more like as an adult than my mother) or the family on his side, because of how my mom made it us against him when I was little. Why should your husband treat her that way?? lets_be_honest Cant even describe how much I hate hate hate them!! I realized at a young age that compromise was an important thing in a relationship. Continue with Recommended Cookies. And musicals should be revered as an art form. There are also a bunch of shows on the history channel or the science channel about science-fiction kind of stuff. Terms & Conditions . My daughter and I are a lot like you and yours. lets_be_honest More my daughter is a student and is not working right now, so i don't have her paying. Frankly, her interests sound pretty varied to me for 12: reading, pop culture, sci-fi, archery, piano and Broadway. My dad probably had no interest in my piano recitals or spelling bees, but he sure knew how to act like they were the most important things in the world to him. Im just saying that indicates very little to me. I reminded him that he likes sex better in the morning and he called me frigid and slept on the couch. Many things can contribute to this type of conflicts, such as personality clashes or differing parenting styles. I agree weddings can be stupid . Something like that might be a good intersection of the father and daughters interests. oh, wait - his father wanted nothing to do with him for years. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. honeybeenicki Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. I didnt get the sense that the LW is only liking or disliking things to get closer to her daughter. I get that maybe he feels like an alien within you & daughters girl bubble, but the way to fix that is not to strong-arm her into liking National Geographic. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm, A parent should NEVER make fun of their child.. That time was never truly enjoyable, no matter how much I enjoyed myself because I just wasnt compatible with his personality. bittergaymark But sometimes, this relationship can be strained. If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often. NIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE RESPONSE, WENDY! Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. Blow out the torches! I still think hes acting out like a child. Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. You are actually the only other person not from Scranton that has known what the show was! , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! I was/am (?) But I see why he would so Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. Respect the boundaries and, as far as possible, learn to relax and take refuge on your side of the fence. Maybe he can break out the old Van Halen or Metallica for her to listen to and you know, maybe she will just really like it. Id love to hang out with her. Definitely! My mom and I were not friends like this, and she let my dads bullying escalate to keep the peace. Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. So I was just assuming it happened similarly for LW and her daughter. Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. Theres no excuse for that. I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. Especially a board game like Cranium where everyone can shine in what theyre good at, and it can be good to pair up with someone youre different from. But science fiction and fantasy can deal with the mature themes with a nuanced perspective- some of the stories in Star Trek were written to to deal with historical events like WWII. Show interest in his interests. You dont have to love Justin Bieber and Broadway to just ask the kid why she loves it so much. Our 17-year-old son is still at home but can't wait to leave to get away from the constant friction and ill-feeling around the house. Im also a 31-year-old fangirl so this might not just be a phase that shell grow out of, haha. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I'm watching, what I'm reading, Black Agate, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. lets_be_honest I remember how happy my dad was to spend time with me and to share something with me that he was so passionate about. July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. So insightful! Additionally, she may worry that a new man in your life will try to take his place and replace him entirely. I hated sitting through long sports games. As a kid, I was really into the idea of going to museums and seeing plays, but my parents refused to indulge me on it because they wanted me to like the outdoors, hunting, etc. Usually, yes your car insurance coverage should extend to anyone else driving your car. I am a huge fan of Pandemic its a co-op game, so you play against the disease and work as a team. I must just not be seeing things clearly. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. Theres making a light-hearted joke when something is spilled, and then there is telling your child that what makes her happy is stupid. Dad thinks Im stupid. Dad thinks Im not good enough.. Loved Jurassic Park and Baywatch of all things. So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. But that he made the effort to give me my interests. During the summer especially, our kids both have homework that may include working on actual homework-like assignments or getting a privilege after answering X number of questions correctly on our American Trivia game (history, pop culture, geography, etc). bittergaymark To care for our two young kids. All other things aside, Im actually a fan of those assignments. I guess I dont know exactly how he does it, but in our house we have things like that but with politics/government because I believe it is truly important to understand our government, how it works, how it doesnt work, and how our beliefs affect our views. haha. Ive never had anyone go, Oh my gawwwwwwd, PL, whyyyyyyyyyy? To me, I imagined them insisting on listening to Buffy podcasts in the car Something that would make me either toss the ipod out the window or leave certain people at the curb, painted_lady July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. If the emotional and sexual connections were rewarding, you may have been intrigued by the Houdini-like escape pattern. Instead of, I want you to read this by this day, and then well have a talk, how about, I found this and thought it was interesting. Realize that your child does not have to like your rules, they simply need to find a way to abide by them. I completely agree with you on Buffy. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. More of a this is silly than yall are stupid eye roll. I can't even. However, if you do decide to stay together, know that its possible to overcome this obstacle and build a strong family bond. Oh, how fun for all three of you to just sit around endlessly for hours while the dvd player spins Buffy endlessly And then, next, comes Angel! Tell you husband to ease up a little bit. And I dont think that tv shows a mature, intelligent adult would watch necessarily means they are good shows to watch. I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. In return, LW could offer to be extra supportive of the daughter participating in activities with her father that hes interested in as well. Do not let that behavior continue. Thinks hes hilarious). And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. In this blog post, we will explore some strategies for resolving conflict between a parent and their partners children. Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. I would have been crushed if he rolled his eyes when I was excitedly talking about something. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. It sounds like this dad is a bit of a jerk, who when he introduces something and she isnt into it makes fun of her. Well done, as always, my friend. Or find something neutral. Usually sharks.). All of these are better that watching the Kardashians find new ways to make money or reading magazines that criticize stars beach bodies. I totally get it, but shes just got to snap out of it and team up with Dad. July 2, 2013, 2:27 pm. On the flip side, my mother was much like LWs husband in that she always encouraged competitiveness and athleticism and things she thought were good. But, of course, that would require HIM to take an interest in something his daughter likes in order to find that common ground. LW, you and your husband are a team. Additionally, she may worry that if she stays in an unhappy marriage like yours, it will damage her relationship with her future spouse. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. I would truly hope that he doesnt realize how personal his criticisms are to a 12-year-old girl (because, if he kept doing it, then he would absolutely be the bully), and that he actually cares about having a relationship with his daughter more than molding her into his ideal child. (And those are two things I didnt care for as a kid that I really like now.) Youve talked about this over and over and your husband still interrupts your conversations because they annoy him? Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker. I was hoping to be able to tell her that she has a grandbaby coming, but its still too early to know. We were never close because by the time I was a teenager, I felt like I couldnt be my own person around him and like I was always walking on eggshells so as not to pick the wrong activity to occupy myself with. Parent first, friend second. Counseling could help because communication is an issue here because no matter how much youve talked about it nothing has changed. Which is exactly why she wrote in. You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. July 2, 2013, 3:17 pm. You couldnt easily figure out what was going on, and you probably liked the challenge, so you became an eager relationship sleuth, avidly assembling clues that seem to make the next move more predictable. I thought you might like it because of x,y, and z. I really think if said in the right context, you can support both your husband and your daughter. It was nothing but glassy-eyed stares and yawning. One teenager in the house is bad enough But TWO must be exhausting. lets_be_honest My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. lets_be_honest We are this little team of 2. Oh, and he thinks TV can actually teach somebody something more relevant than the fact that its both rather silly and stupid to be a Vampire Slayer Not too mention angst-filled. She may not be interested in that stuff NOW, but it can sure come in handy later. Whatever the reason, an alcoholic father can be very manipulative and controlling. , so i guess it cuts both ways. Then he said he was going out to watch the game at a bar because he needed time alone, and that hed be home in a couple of hours. A father-daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships a girl can have. They loved the entire concept and they loved the show. Another possibility is that her husband doesnt understand how to connect with his daughter on an emotional level. You sometimes got what you needed but not what you expected in unpredictable moments that made no sense. (Though I do try to find the stuff I like the best of the stuff he likes.) (This led me to be labeled as the quitter.) It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. WWS, especially You may not see the rewards right away. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. Which sort of circles back to point that even if this dad doesnt connect with his daughters interests, he really should make an effort. I think the bottom line is that she is twelve- all of her interests could change in a year or two. "I cant win for losing. But he can be a great dad regardless. Though unsettling, your partner was not boring. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. I had his favorite dinner prepared and all possible distractions blocked. I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. Seriously, the concept of the Q is what puts me on the agnostic end of atheism. My dad patiently put up with and even encouraged me in my obsessions. So basically my husband has been their father as their biological father rarely sees them,maybe once or twice a year. Yeah, apparently mine were fans all along, but there were no records in the house, unlike the other two. Forget it. I dont know if its The Best thing, but its very important and Im glad for all the things he exposed me to. Mommy and daddy present a united front. If it doesnt come from both sides, its hard to want to do something with the other person, if the other person doesnt do anything to see your side of it. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. I wanted to read 800 crappy Star Wars novels? To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. This can look like moving to a far away place, convincing you your. My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. Ive always found board games to be boring and so does my daughter. It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. And the Inner Light is a great episode, I watched it recently on Netflix. If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. I dont remember how old I was, but I distinctly remember the night they gave me that tape and told me what was on it. And totally agreed on the book front. For example, I taught my theatre kids The Crucible this year. I think some of Wendys advice is accurate, you need to encourage the relationship between father and daughter. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. BtVS not mature and intelligent? a truly horrible driver. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. So I cant agree that it is never ok. Theres a true difference between good natured humor and cruelty (even if some people claim it is the the former when it is really the latter) and kids need to be exposed to the former. Why Does Your Daughter Wants You To Leave Your Husband? I made him put on 2 more episodes before we stopped because we HAD to go to sleep. a single mom to her as her dad was never in the picture. I still find it hysterical that they incorporated a rivalry between Tim and Bob Vila in that show. lets_be_honest . Im from PA, and I watched entirely too much This Old House as a child. meadowphoenix Shes interested in piano, archery, musicals and science fiction. My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. Just because you dont like Buffy and have introduced a bunch of facts that dont exist in the letter (your comment below about what the dad has been putting up with for years!?!) My interests are pretty close to hers (and yours!) I consider myself mature and intelligent, yet Ill still watch mindless shit sometimes. I dont think there is any one size fits all strategy. Wow, Im glad Im not the only one whose beliefs on the cosmos/humanity have been influenced by Star Trek. I just wonder if there is an approach I have not considered. A perfect starting point would be just a general interest activity, like board games or going to get ice cream. She has to do something she doesnt like from time to time. Cool! July 2, 2013, 12:46 pm. I second this. MAY THEY DIE IN LOTS OF FIRES. Basically, I had never been the kid he wanted, and he eventually snapped and took it out on me. My mom begged me to stay close so I went to one about 3 hours away but it was in the city she grew up in and all of my family was there. My plan is to lock mine in the basement and bribe her into going to a local college. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. Its full of teen girls going crazy for Star Trek. I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. But since I knew his motivation for liking things was less about me than it was about his own inadequacy, and I didnt actually like him as a person. Someone gets one out and I want to vomit. Perhaps the suggestion of planning an event night or game night type of thing where each family member gets to plan one a week? Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. My family was big on card games and board games, but my dad didnt participate much, which bummed me out. I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. And while there are many reasons why daughters might want their parents to split up, here are some of the most common ones: If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. A lot of painful disappointments in life.
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my husband is driving my daughter away